Snowdrops for Ike

     How often are birthdays celebrated in the kind of way you hope exactly? Especially the 21st. So much have been said about its meaning. Freedom. Adulthood. Maturity. But I wonder how many of us actually have their 21st birthday turned out right. Well, no one knows what is right or wrong, but
a birthday that makes you feel that it could have been better, is definitely not the kind that you hope to have.

     What is ideal? Some likes it big, extravagant, make-sure-everyone-knows-it type..full of surprises, lotsa balloons flying in the air. With whom? Erm..maybe u’ll say, i’ll celebrate with my friends on the eve..then on the day itself, with family. Geez, it’s good to have a choice, isn’t it?

     And of course there are always the jitters that nobody actually remembers your special day. It’s your birth month, you’ve checked a couple of times. But where are those greetings cards from those whom you care about? Okay, maybe you want to argue that cards don’t mean as much to them, as they do to you. Fine. Erm, what about phone calls? Have they forgotten about me? I guess
this feeling happens every year, not just on the 21st. However, there is this extra emphasis of the ‘greatness’ and the magic of turning 21, making you feel that something special has to be going on, that there are wonderful tidbits in store for you somewhere somehow.

     And when the day doesn’t turn out as well as you hope, it’s like falling into a hole. Where did I go wrong? Don’t I mean anything to anyone? Were you hoping that friends you haven’t seen in a year to send their greetings? Or were you wondering if someone would get you that nice bag u’ve been eyeing last week?

     My 21st birthday was not bad. But it could have been better. I was so lucky that my best friend came all the way from Leeds to Newcastle to spend the weekend with me. I remember dancing some Irish dance steps with her in my room the day. Something else was going on and I guess, only she understood that I wasn’t as happy as I should be.

     I was a perfectionist (maybe still am) and it’s no wonder why I always get disappointed even on my 21st birthday. Maybe what I didn’t realise was that expectations always ruin my mood no matter where and when. I realised that others do not actually need to do anything special just for you. That anticipating something is more exciting than the real thing. That nothing beats just being
with your loved ones. With your best friend. That your birthday, the one day in a year, doesn’t have to be so special that it outshines the other 364 days. That you can also get nice gifts on every other day, not just on special occasions.

     Come to think of it, I actually had the ideal 21st birthday after all. I learnt all above just in a day. The day when I was supposed to be mature, to know that celebration and pressies are not so much of a big deal. If it was the point of reaching adulthood, then I learned a bit of its essence - that you don’t always get what you want in the real world.

     I’m just glad that my 21st is over. I do not need to wait for anything wonderfully surprising to come my way anymore. I am completely relaxed about my next birthday. Let it just be an ordinary happy day =)

     Sometimes I wonder the reason I exist. As I look around me, I can see how things can operate without my existence. I see my brother ringing his customers to remind them to pick up their repaired glasses. I see my mother watering her beloved plants every morning. My dad off to work just like every other day. My second sister catching the KTM trains to KL in a hurry. I can’t see my first sister, but I imagine she must be looking into a microscope right now, thinking why the
blue stain isn’t staining the specimen so well, maybe. But I turn around and see my dog, Ike, who has been waiting at the gate for me from morning to night, just to see me home so I could play with him. Only then, I know the reason I’m here.

     If you believe in reincarnation, then you would understand when I say that I believe I will meet Ike in person someday. That is the reason why I name my blog this way. Look, Ike, I can’t tell you everything about my life because I can’t bark those words out like you do. Sometimes I talk in great details to you but I know you get frustrated at those words you don’t recognise. I know you’re sad I can’t be there for you 24 hours a day. And very soon, I can’t see you for 11 months consecutively. I do sing to you, but sometimes Orkie will join me in the singing, and you know how close he can get to howling his lung out. That will make the neighbours very angry, and we don’t want that, do we?

     So I am really looking forward to the day you’re a real person, when you finally say those words to my face, ‘Jie Jie, Ike sayang’. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but i certainly hope I live long enough to see a young boy suddenly walking up to me and make me feel that that young boy is you, Ike. Of course, if you know about this then, you will think this is all so crazy. You might say to yourself, ‘I was not a dog!‘, but we all were once some other life forms, desirable or not. And being my little baby doggie, isn’t that lovely? Thank you for
choosing to live with me and I can’t tell you enough how much you’ve changed my life completely. Muack.

     My second sister and I share a loving bond. We understand each other a lot. But there are issues too sensitive to talk about sometimes, causing unexpressed feelings. I was lying next to her in bed, and something had touched us earlier
emotionally so we were quite open about our personal emotions. There is something about talking your heart out without looking at each other in the eye. Somehow, it is easier. After you have released your frustrations, it can be such a relief when the other person admits that ‘I feel the same way too’. That’s exactly what I did. She confided in me. It was already amazing that I understood her feelings, but it was simply unbelievable that I had felt the exact emotion
she had gone through. It was the same event that we had undergone, but I never thought she had reacted in the same way as I did.

‘You know, I never wanted to feel that way. I thought it was too awful of me to be unhappy about this,’ she said. ‘And when I saw you’re doing so fine, I thought it was just me. I shouldn’t feel this way at all’.

     But I told her that she wasn’t alone. I guess I’ve just been pretending quite well that everything else inside is alright when in fact it isn’t. And I’m very glad that we had talked about it. Then i won’t feel so bad to have felt that ‘awful’
emotion. Maybe it’s a normal thing to feel.

     But my sister did not just stop there at feeling awful of her emotions. She went on to see the situation from a different perspective and she claimed that it did not look so bad then. I didn’t go as far. I just kept the feeling hidden inside.
When I found out that she had shed tears over this, I thought I should have cried together with her, instead of on my own.

     Just before I left her bed, she squeezed my hand without looking at me. After that, I quickly type it all here before I lose that special warmth that came over me during that moment of sharing. Back to reality, I had just remembered that Ike was asking for me a while ago ’cause I haven’t been with him the whole day. I guess it’s better to just look forward, treasuring what I have now, instead of crying over things that we cannot change.

I love you, Er Chie. Hope you won’t cry alone anymore ’cause I feel the same way too.

     It was a Monday morning and my brother was struggling to just open his eyes. Lying beside him was baby Allison, waving her hands and kicking her legs in the air - very much awake. The next thing that happened was my brother, pressing his face to Allison’s cheek, taking in the sweet baby scent and giving her a kiss. Looking on was my smiling mother and my sis-in-law. Then I realised the three generations reflected in this image. I didn’t manage to snap that with the camera, but I’ll remember this moment forever - when my brother is finally acting like a father.

‘It’s a girl??! But I thought the doctor said the baby’s a boy that day,’ my mother exclaimed in dissatisfaction.

‘He saw it wrongly. Today’s ultrasound scan revealed it more clearly,’ my sis-in-law explained.

‘Aah…..well, girl’s just as good. same one ma..‘ my mom managed to form those words after a moment of silence. But the truth is, we all know what she wants.

     My brother was ecstatic knowing that things didn’t happen as others had expected. Some of the best things in the world take place when you least expect them to. He personally doesn’t care if the baby’s a boy or a girl. ‘Just as long as the baby’s healthy, got enough fingers and toes.’

     However, some of the responses he received from outsiders are quite
interesting. When asked about the sex of the baby, he just answered neutrally, ‘It’s a girl’. The reaction he got was not so neutral, though.

Malay Customer : Perempuan?? Oo..baguslah….cepat dapat menantu tu..

Chinese Customer 1: Ah..err..good lah, after growing up, she can help with the housework.

Chinese Customer 2: Oh, like that ah. Well, the first child is always a girl. Try again ok. If cannot, try for the 3rd child. If still cannot, u know having doubles are auspicious, so it’s worth going for the 4th child. The last child is always the lucky one.

Indian Customer: Girl bagus! Saya punya anak laki tak ada guna punya. Saya sakit, tak ada mari tengok saya. tapi dia punya bini punya bapak sakit, dia terbang pergi situ. 

     Why is there such a strong assumption that my brother’s hoping for a boy?
He just laughed at those creative efforts of others who were trying to comfort him.

 
Friend, concerned, in Cantonese:

Lui chai ah..kam mm hei oy pok dor yat pai? (girl ah, then you have to try once again lor?!)
My brother, puzzled:   Dim gai leh? (why leh?)
Friend, smiling sheepishly:      Oh..er..mou yeh lah.. (oh..nothing then.)

     And my brother always repeats these funny remarks to all of us. I bet Allison
is going to be annoyed when my brother tells her these years later. ‘You know ar, San-San, you were supposed to be a boy. The doctor said so at first…etc..’

     That reminds me of my own birth in 1984. My dad was reported to have blurted out this response after my mom had just brought me to the world. ‘What? Girl again ah??!!‘ He put down the newspapers he was reading throughout the labour and looked blankly at my second sister by his side. Haha, I guess I can understand that. And after 22 years, some things have not changed.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that I hate Ike,’ my sis-in-law apologised to me. ‘I was just angry that your brother touched the baby after the dog without washing his hands‘, she went on.

‘Never mind, it’s okay,’ I said, trying to smile.

     I had almost forgotten that incident after a night’s sleep. I had felt uneasy about it, knowing that Ike is at risk of pain and loneliness. I was thinking of how i was going to move out into another place with my dogs, if my sis-in-law doesn’t like the dogs at home. I know she doesn’t, but i’ve not asked her to feed them. Just accept them and do them no harm. That’s it.

     And I realise that the way I talk to baby Allison is the same as the way I talk to Ike & Orkie. This is not to say that i’m treating the baby like a dog, but rather, I treat my dogs like my baby. Somehow, my own mother is not very happy about it. I simply don’t understand,  i’m just treating all adorable creatures the same way- making little noises, stroking their head, saying ‘Jie Jie sayang’. Surely there’s a place on earth where babies and doggies can live together.

     And also, the fact that my brother didn’t wash his hands after touching the dogs has nothing to do with my sis-in-law’s feelings towards Ike. Saying that she hates the dog will not make my brother wash his hands any cleaner. (He defended himself, that he didn’t touch the dog so he need not wash his hands.)

     And Ike doesn’t seem to be very happy these days. I don’t know if it’s because of my frequent absence from home. Because my sis-in-law has to take the time off work to recover from labour, I need to accompany my brother in his optical shop from 10am to 10pm every day this July. He said he’s scared of robbers but I think he’s scared of ghosts instead. I tried cheering Ike up but he’ll return to his moody state very soon after. Now i’m worried about MY baby.

     Given time, I’m sure Ike will love Allison too. He likes anyone who likes him back, who cares enough to feed him, pet him, take him out for a walk. I can’t wait for Allison to grow up. There’s something about the love of dogs that she needs to know.

I love your presence
how my eyes light up each time i see you
sometimes i hear words that you’ve said so many times before
ringing in my ears
‘Siau mei, study-la’

I chuckle at each memory when i tried to escape
a naughty girl i’ve been
running away from the studies in school
and the piano that sits quietly in that corner

‘Are you not going to wash your school shoes?’
you asked one afternoon seven years ago
‘Papa, I never liked washing them,‘ i replied with a sour face
and you just smiled and did the task for me.

Over the years, you have been there
you said you want to make up for the past
‘Sorry I never cared for you when u were young‘
But, daddy, i blamed myself more than anyone

My friends said you have a kind face
I say, you even smile in your sleep
‘Siau mei, go to sleep early-la’
when you caught me during my midnight oil-burning sessions
But Papa, I just want to do better in school.

Since then I dedicate my life for you
for each time you untangle the mess along the way
each time you place a stepping stone and say,
‘Here, climb this one now, you’re getting there’.

For all the times you helped protecting Ike from Mama
How you would give me anything I ask for
those moments when we walked hand-in-hand to the playground
and watched others playing football until sunset

‘Don’t tell others that I love you the most‘
you always whisper those in my ear
and ditto, daddy, I love you the most
‘Papa sayang Siau Mei sayang Papa sayang Siau Mei’
our chant of love that warms my heart endlessly

I hope you don’t mind that i’m still clinging to you
Still reaching for your hand
Others don’t hold their daddy’s anymore
but i want to be your little girl forever
i want to see how your eyes light up each time you see me

Happy 54th Birthday, Papa.
Glad that you’ve got the best present ever with the birth of your first grandchild.

PS: Allison is born today on the 1st July 2006, also my father’s birthday. Coincidence?
Maybe not. =)